1.The Return Of Sathington Willoughby
Fellow colleges, distinguished members of the press, ladies
and gentlemen：
I would like to take this opportunity to personally and humbly
thank
each and every one of you for joining us at this particular
event.
It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds to
successfully convey the essence of our platform to you, a grand
and
noble audience.
As I look out among the faces, I reflect, taking console in the
words
of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said, 'We have nothing to fear
but
fear itself.'
Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add, the person
standing
next to you, may not be who they appear to be, so take
precaution.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true any a young
person
has fallen prey, to the substances that alter the perspective Of
any
right thinking individual.
The Problem with the youth today is, because of their
inexperience
with the world, they cannot attempt to grasp the ideals, set
forth by
myself and those who preceded me.
But, as history has shown, they will come around, and embrace
our
philosophies and become model citizens in their own right, God
bless
this great nation.
2.Fisticuffs
They found James Ambrose dead in his cell,
a gaping gash in his arm had drained him down to hell.
No one knew for sure if Ambrose was his name.
They called him Yankee Sullivan in early days of fame.
He'd known the game of fisticuffs had always treated him right .
But no one knew the men who came and took his life that night
He'd spent some time in Botany Bay atoning for his sins.
He fought a bout with Hammer Lane and took a tainted win.
He was the hero of the Bowery, a prince of lawless times.
Then was battered by the 'Butcherman' in 1849.
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of might.
But no one knew the men who came and took his life one night.
He knew the game of fisticuffs.
Lilly and McCoy were shy of a hundred and forty pounds.
In 1842 they went a hundred and eighteen rounds.
They begged McCoy to cash it in, he said that he would not.
Got up and fought one more round then died right on the spot.
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of fight.
But no one knew the game would come and take his life that
night.
3.Golden Boy
He was a mighty golden boy, as gold as ever seen,
but when he stepped up to the podium, you could tell that boy
was mean.
His arms was made of nickel, and his forehead made of wood.
An affidavit from the principal says,'This boy just ain't no
good'.
He stood before the union, and he made a solemn oath.
Uphold the purity of his creed, the others he would toast.
He worked nights at the liquor mart, and he drank to pad his
pay.
When he caught him lifting 40s, he shot a boy last May.
His momma asked why？
His lawyer in the courtroom, made a noble plea.
And the judge he gave him eighteen months, but he was out in
three.
When asked if he ever felt remorse while sittin' up in that pen.
He said 'Hell no, ya know a thief's a thief.
And I'd shoot that fucker again'.
4.Over The Falls
They broke out in laughter again,
his lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in,
and he stood by and waited to be called.
The talk was of times that had gone by
and the quantity and quality of women they lie.
His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry.
As he stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited like the others before
for his turn to go over the falls.
He got up and tried it again.
For lack of persistence is surely a sin.
As he stood by and waited to be called,
he looked to the lightning with glee
and admired his vessel for it's symmetry,
feeling twelve units shy of a bachelor's degree.
As he stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited to be called.
He stood by and waited like the others before
for his turn to go over the falls.
5.Shake Hands With Beef
There's a time for lies and a time for truth.
I say, eye for an eye, eye for a tooth.
When I roamed young, I'd scavenge around.
Every nook and cranny of our little town.
It's nice, so nice, to be.
Pull out the cannon boys, steal us some wine.
Puff Tijuana Smalls. Shake hands with beef!
She's so fine, she's so sweet.
Mom and Pop they raised her on huge slabs of meat.
She's fine, a man of nine, Water derby day.
Twenty six pumps on a Crossman, and it's time to play
It's nice, so nice, to be
Pull out the cannon boys, steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls. Shake hands with beef!
6.Camelback Cinema
He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4,
with the sharpness of a troubadour.
I dare you look him in the eye.
His stench would make a buzzard cry.
He likes Burt in White Lightning.
Camelback Cinema.
In the dark she sat and wait
for her steady random date.
Reflecting back to a time
when eager boys would stand in line.
She likes Burt in White Lightning.
He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4.
Lurking in the corridor.
He came to buy his weekly whore
at Camelback Cinema.
7.Hats Off
When I was born, the doc he held me by my ankles
smacked my red behind.
They hosed me down, wrapped me like a bean burrito
then marked the date and time.
Hats off, to the ones that string the beads together
and keep the ducks in line.
Hats off to all the ones that stood before me
and taught a fool to rhyme.
At thirteen, I made myself a motion picture
out of lumps of clay.
At fourteen, I pulled some weeds and bought a four string
taught myself to play.
At seventeen, I'd get naked with a beauty queen
at the Hot Tub Zone.
At nineteen, she was livin' hard and snortin' drugs
that decayed her bones.
Hats off to the ones that put it all together
and keep their ducks in line.
Hats off to all the ones that erred before me
and taught me how to survive.
8.Puddin' Taine
Pass the pen there Billy Bob, I'll write us up a song.
Or perhaps I'll pen a sonnet, if the melody sits all wrong.
Hand me down a crayon, and I'll draw a mighty oak.
'Cause of all my brother Masons, I'm the quickest with a joke.
Catch me in the right light, you'll see my shapes shaped to
please.
And if I shank my trousers down, I'm hung just above the knees.
You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my
weighty name.
I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin'
Taine.
Now step on up to dance the dance, and touch the hand that
heals.
Like the tallest hog on Wall street, I'm a wheelin' all the
deals.
They'll carve my face in marble, they'll etch my name in stone.
They'll paint my noble portrait, and historify my home.
You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my
weighty name.
I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin'
Taine.
9.Bob's Party Time Lounge
Glad you came, glad you're here.
Have some champagne, imported beer.
Dig down in your dirt bag
and roll us out a spleef.
Been erect here now for thirteen days
and I came to get relief
at Bob's Party Time.
Pack my nose with cocaine
feed my filthy hole.
Bust out the dancin' women
I'm prone to lose control.
And if by chance I fall down
and bust my head on the floor,
just wrap my wound in a porterhouse steak
and point me towards the shore.
At Bob's Party Time.
10.Duchess And The Proverbial Mind Spread
Burnin', I feel a burnin' in my stomach,
I wanna know if I'm a gonna make it.
If I don't just spread my ashes,
if I do just spread your mind.
Swimmin', I see myself a treadin' water
I see no signs of any other people.
There's a heron up above me
I lay back and spread my mind.
Duchess, she used to be a movie maker.
She used to like to watch the boys watch her.
And she saved enough money
to go to Cal and spread her mind.
Billy, used to follow the Dead with Arnie
and they made a hundred thousand dollars.
But ended up in federal prison
twenty years for spreading minds.
11.Restin' Bones
Came up on a worried man, asked him if he had a light.
He reached on down, dug in his shoe, figured in his sock he
might.
He asked if he could come and join, at what we was partakin' in.
I says,'Ol' soul if you got a match, you also got yourself a
friend'.
The smoke drew hard but laid in good, the neon gave us extra
shine.
We passed around a flask of Knockando, and a half litre bottle
of wine.
The worried man dropped down to his knees, and let out with a
somber groan.
He looked up to me and when I asked, he said,'I'm just restin'
my bones'.
I looked down at him, and him up at me, then a smile rose above
his chin.
He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me down, said,' Listen to me
now my friend'.
When I was your age I did it all, more than many men could do,
now my possessions are the ones I wear on my back, and this
lighter I keep in my shoe.
That's why I'm restin' my bones.
I'm restin' my bones for the times I fell, fell and hit myself
on the ground.
Restin' my bones for the loneliness, of being the only genius
around.
I'm restin' my bones for prosperity, in hopes that it'll do me
some good.
I'm restin' bones from amphetamines, see they turned teeth to
balsa wood.
I'm restin' bones for Johnny Cash, 'cause for me and mine he's
wearin' black.
I'll be restin' my bones for Elvis, I seen him last week at the
track.
If I'm restin' bones and you come along, just try and tippy toe
on by.
'cause when I'm restin' bones I hope to sleep, and maybe slip
away and die.
12.Coddingtown
Went down to Coddingtown to buy for Lucky Dog.
Moved on up to Sono-co to clear my head of smog.
People round town they all line up to buy them Chevrolets.
But me I talked to the Mopar man, been talkin' now for days.
I went down to Coddingtown, it seemed the thing to do.
You can get it all down there, from tennis balls to glue.
Standin' up in the old smoke shop, met a girl named Honey Pie.
If you shamble long enough, you wanna' go, you gotta' go.
Bring me on back.
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown, that's the place to be.
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown, that's the place for me.
I went down to Coddingtown and met old Santy Claus
Beanie Boy got a hold of that beard, nearly yanked it from his
jaws
I stepped on up to the pizza man and gobbled down some filth.
I shambled round now too damn long I wanna' go, I gotta' go.
Bring me on back.
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown, that's the place to be.
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown, that's the place for me.
13.Kalamazoo
A B C D E F G H I gotta' gal wears her toenails long.
Drives a red Barracuda, singin' meat packer songs
And she ain't from Kalamazoo.
A B C D E F G H I gotta' friend lived in a Mercedes-Benz.
Then a 55 Chrysler where the trunk never ends
And the plates say Kalamazoo.
He had a steady job and watched what he spent.
He'd say I don't believe in payin' no goddamn rent.
I'll squirrel away every goddamn cent
and buy my own damn house in Kalamazoo.
I knew a guy that mangled his hand,
and he went from pipe fittin' to a hot dog stand.
They say last year he cleared fifty grand
selling dogs round Kalamazoo.
She turned to the world with a bastard child.
Said, 'I just can't handle him he's too damn wild'.
But the years and the liquor have made him mild.
And he lays around in Kalamazoo.
14.The Chastising Of Renegade
There was this kid in our neighborhood.
His Pop had named him Renegade.
He lived up to his name
with all the trouble that he made.
One day ol' Renegade Snuck into the Park Theater downtown
For a laugh he set fire to the screen,
burnt the whole damn place to the ground.
He thought that no one would mind,
He did that sort of thing all the time.
But his Pop was waitin' for him.
At age fifteen Renegade,
stole a tow truck from Arnie's Shell
Drove it through the front of a hardware store.
Spent the night in a county jail.
He didn't seem to mind a bit.
He liked the attention he would get.
15.Arnie
The man he stepped up to the microphone and he gave it a kiss.
It was a big wet, slippery kiss.
And he had sweat dripping off of his nose onto the windscreen.
As he looked out over the audience he said,
'God bless you, God bless you one and all.'
Then he took a can of Ronson lighter fluid
and he squirted it over the top of his head.
And proceeded to light himself on fire
as he stood there glowing and said,
'Remember this day.'
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